.indie's birth story.

I'm excited to be FINALLY sharing Indie's birth story with you. she's 2 months old now, and I wish I would've written this sooner, I'm trying to relay as much as I can remember :) 

it started actually on Tuesday October 17th, it's my grandma's birthday and as much as she would've liked Indie to be born on this day - she just wasn't coming ;) I had an appointment though and my dr. said that I was only dilated to about a 1 and so I wasn't hopeful that I would have my baby anytime soon. I figured I might just go to my due date which was Monday the 30th of October. 

I had been shopping out with my mom and brother during the week and was carrying Navi around a lot, she didn't seem too heavy and I wasn't feeling any contractions so I thought I was fine. Nash, Navi and I on Friday night went to a local Halloween carnival and were only there for about an hour but we ran into a bunch of people that we knew from our neighborhood and they were all curious about when I was due and how I was feeling. I was feeling great, Navi and I had dressed up a bit for the outing and I even contemplated wearing heels ;) we got home and then I started feeling pains in my stomach. I knew they were contractions. I called my parents and they were out at a movie, my mom said for me just to watch the contractions closely and time them. a couple hours passed and my contractions were crazy, some were 10-12 minutes apart while others were 2-3 minutes, they were inconsistent but we still had Navi and our dog Berlin stay the night at my parents' house. It was about 11 pm and rather than go to bed, we decided to just go to the hospital. 

when we got there, I was in pain but not unbearable pain. the hospital is only about 20-30 minutes away and when we got all checked in and I was able to get into the gown they checked me and I was about dilated to a 4. it was getting close to when I could get an epidural (which I totally wanted! I had one with Navi and it just made my experience more relaxing for me) I was walked down to the room where we would be staying in and got situated :) I had a really nice nurse Whitney that was with us for the first little bit. I had to get the IV put in my hand because she tried twice in my arm and both veins burst ;) yikes! (I was bruised for a couple weeks from that) before I could get the epidural I had to get the fluid pumped in and that took about 30 minutes to an hour - in between that time I was experiencing the contractions and would just hold on to the side of the bed and clench through them. I got to the point that every five minutes I knew another one was coming and I just looked at Nash and at the machine and could watch the computer screen monitoring the contractions. 

when the epidural dr. came in I was so happy ;) he was really nice and friendly too. he was talkative and made the experience much more enjoyable then it could've been lol because let's be real. a guy that basically sees my whole backside and shoves a needle in my spine can be intimidating ;) 

so as Nash comes around the side of the bed, I've got my legs dangling off the side and I'm leaning his direction, the dr. to the back of me to get ready to put in the needle. he was prepping my back and I popped my back upward - it was just a reaction I had and didn't control that. I immediately apologized and got really nervous. the dr. half joking, half serious said 'it's okay, just don't do that on the next one' ;) I got wide eyed and scared - I didn't want anything bad to happen when he put the needle in, so the entire time I just held Nash's hands tight and in my mind over and over said 'don't pop your back, don't pop your back'. it worked and I did not pop my back ;) I'm so grateful we have this kind of medicine because by now I think it was about 3 am and I was ready to relax and maybe get some sleep. 

(I'm so sad that I can't remember every detail or even the names of the medicines or how many nurses I had coming in and all that stuff.. I wish I would've written this sooner, so all you moms out there - write it all down! ;) don't let yourself forget) 

it was the most beautiful day, we snapped this picture outside our window 

I wasn't dilating very quickly, I remember nurses coming in about every hour or so to check on me (waking me up ;) and making sure all my fluids were good and that things were progressing. they called my dr. around 6 am or so and let him know I was at the hospital, he was performing a c-section that morning so he would be coming in around 8:30 to check on me, give me some more medicine to kickstart some things and then he wanted to come back later to brake my water. with Navi's birth my water broke at home on its own so I was nervous to have it broken by him instead. around 10 I think he had come back and broke my water, the nurses were getting things ready and wheeling in the equipment for the preparation of the birth. 

I honestly think I gave three strong pushes and Indie was born at 10:50 am, Saturday October 21st, weighing 5 lbs. 8 1/2 oz and 17 1/2 in. tall she was an adorable little thing, with brown hair and the prettiest skin. 

we wondered for days who she looked like, because Indie wasn't looking anything like what Navi looked like at birth, and now that we've had her home for almost 2 whole months we're realizing Indie actually does look more and more like how Navi did :) it's cool to see her change and grow, sad at the same time though because she was such a tiny, adorable thing :) (still is) but I just love the snuggly baby that she's becoming, I was able to breast feed her for a little while, about a month and now I only get to nurse her about once a day. I love that bond of being close to her like that.
Indie Hazel is an angel, I feel this special connection to her and I'm so grateful for that. I love everything about her and I feel like she's going to be the peacemaker and the passionate one, the one that fights and stands true to what she knows, the best friend, the one that is so giving and sweet. I'm excited about her future and the woman she'll become :) we love her.

I was petrified of how my love might change or feel different once I brought another baby into this world, but this poem describes my feelings perfectly so I wanted to share ... 

A poem for you soon to be second time mamas out there. 

I walk along holding your two year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in ... your own way "please love only me". And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't". Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I watch how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is different as you are, but equally as strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. -author unknown

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